Reflections
by Elphie Marky
Summary: [Rent] Roger reflects on his life, his relationship with Mimi, and how he feels about her. RogerMimi


**Title:** Reflections  
**Rating: **PG13  
**Pairing:** Roger/Mimi  
**Summary:** Roger reflects on his life, his relationship with Mimi, and how he feels about her.  
**Disclaimer:** All Jonathan's

(A/N: I don't know where this came from, but I just had the sudden urge to write something Roger/Mimi where they weren't going at each other. Enjoy!)

Growing sick of repetitively strumming the same chords over and over again, I abandoned my guitar on the floor of the loft I shared with my girlfriend, Mimi. I could usually be found sprawled on the floor of our loft writing a song, or at least trying to. Mimi would always trip over me when she came from work – or wherever she was. Today was a bit different. Yes, my notebook with songs was in the middle of the floor, but I had the urge to play today so I was sitting on the couch. I grew bored. Gently laying my Fender on the floor, I stood up. I had a habit of doing that – carelessly leaving my crap around the apartment. Mimi always yelled at me for it, as Mark did when I lived with him all those years.

I made my way into my bedroom, forgetting Mimi was in there. She was curled up in ball on our bed fast asleep. The covers were pulled up to her neck and her long black curls were spread prettily on the pillow. I was just stood there looking at her. She looked so young, so innocent. But she was far from innocent. She was wise for her nineteen years, but easily tempted from the pleasures of life. Drugs, deception, and disease had scarred her mind and body. She was still struggling. Mark's been telling me that she's messing around with Benny. I don't believe it. It's more like I don't want to believe it. I don't want to think that my girl is screwing one of my best friends. Or former best friends it seems nowadays. I just want to think that Mimi wants me. Loves me even. And I want her to love me like I – I can never bring myself to think about it. Love. It's such a volatile word. One day you're falling fast and in heaven, the next your entire world is shattered to pieces and you realize you didn't even have half of what you though you did. I've been burned one too many times in the past to trust anyone fully. I want to trust Mimi, I really do. But after my last experience, I don't know.

April. She was my downfall. I loved her, I really did. And I told her everyday. She never said it back. I just thought she wasn't ready. She was so young. Younger than Mimi. I don't know why she was involved with me – why she would want to be. Maybe it was the rock star façade I had put on for so long. Tough badass punk rocker. That's all I was to her. I was just another means of getting drugs. Drugs. April fucked me up bad. She introduced me to drugs. And I fell in love with them. The whole while I remember thinking _"Why did Mom tell me to stay away from this? It feels so good."_ I never thought about the consequences. Until April died. She was just a wealth of problems. And once she was gone, all her problems were mine. I had a drug addiction, I was broke, and I was sick. AIDS. Every day was closer to death. The next day, minute, moment wasn't guaranteed. And it hurt so bad to think about that. I may not be here tomorrow. And it wasn't just me who had to deal with it. Mark did too. He put up with all my shit. He stayed there through April, the drugs, the suicide, the recovery, everything. And he never backed down. I wish I could be like Mark. So understanding and compassionate.

Then Mimi came along. I remember that night well. Christmas Eve. I was bored as hell, just strumming my guitar. Another hopeless attempt at writing a song. Next thing I know, I'm answering the door and lighting a candle for a little girl with no heat. I felt bad for her, but I was too wrapped up in my own self pity to give a shit about her. Then she wanted to go out. I still wasn't ready. She was persistent. That's what I love about Mimi. She's so determined, no matter what. Then we had our first kiss outside the Life Café. Clichéd as it sounds, it truly was magical.

We've been through a lot since then. Countless fights. Mimi running off to shoot up or see Benny and me taking my rage out on Mark. We were on the verge of losing Angel. I was scared for Collins the most. Angel was his life. But this also opened a harsh reality for myself. I was infected with the same disease. Mimi had it too. We were all dying. Slowly slipping away. After losing April, I don't think I could stand to have Mimi ripped away from me too. It hurt too bad to think about. I didn't want to die. I was too young. Hell, Mimi was too young. She's just a kid compared to me. Nineteen. I remember when I was her age. I was just getting the Hungarians together. Now I'm twenty-five and we've been broken up for years now. Six years was a big difference when you're so young.

My thoughts stopped and I just looked at Mimi. She was still asleep, angelic in her own devilish way. I smiled. So much to love about her, yet she was so flawed. But maybe that's why I care so deeply. I made my way over towards her, sitting down beside her sleeping body. I softly brushed a dark curl away from her face. Her eyes were closed, obviously. That made me sad for a moment as they were the most beautiful I've ever seen. Dark brown. Always shining, a gleam of life. She was so in love with life. I love her eyes. I think that's where she got me first. Her brown eyes, her pretty smile. So much like April's. But her eyes were completely her own. I stroked her cheek, waking her.

Her eyes fluttered open, those big brown eyes looking up at me. She smiled. "Hey, Roger."

"Have a nice nap, Meems?" I smiled back.

"Yeah, whatcha doing in here?" she sat up and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Just thinking, that's all."

"About what?"

"Life. And you. And how much I – how much I love – how much I love your eyes." Dammit. I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Thanks, baby," she nuzzled her head into my neck.

I brought my arms around her kissed her head. "Can't get them out of my mind," I whispered. Our lips met and then I knew. I knew she would wait for me like I waited for April. But April never felt anything. I did. Or at least I think so. And in time, I would tell her. When I'm ready. Her eyes would get it out of me.

_And I find I can't hide from your eyes._

**Fin**


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